


these babby can frigth back?!

by AccidentallyTheWholeFanfic



Category: Ranma 1/2
Genre: Battle, Crack, Gen, Humor, Martial Arts Childbirth, Parody, Why Does This Exist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-04
Updated: 2012-06-04
Packaged: 2017-11-06 20:42:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/422983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AccidentallyTheWholeFanfic/pseuds/AccidentallyTheWholeFanfic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ukyo, now happily married, is due to give birth to her child. But it won't be an easy birth - she must simultaneously face down a formidable opponent in a ludicrous style of martial arts that should never have been allowed to exist in the first place.</p>
            </blockquote>





	these babby can frigth back?!

Ukyo balled her hands into fists and clenched tightly. Her breathing slowed down, calm and measured. Deep breath in. Pause. Exhale. Perspiration began to bead across her forehead.

Her uterus contracted.

The woman across from her smirked. "So. The time has come... are you prepared? Have you trained well these long months past?"

"Of course I have," Ukyo breathed. Then she groaned and grasped her bulging stomach. "Oh, _god_! ...I'm okay... I'm ready any time you are, kiddo!"

"Then prepare yourself!" the other woman declared, before her face suddenly scrunched up and reddened, a whine escaping her lips. She grasped her husband's hand. "Ohhhhhhhhh, darling, it's come! My skills shall be put to the test!"

Ryoga Hibiki settled his hands on his own wife's shoulders, massaging them tenderly. "Are you sure you can handle this, Ukyo?"

Ukyo smiled up at her husband, winking. "You just leave this to me, honey. You sure you don't wanna go mind my cart in the waiting room? I'm sure some of the patients could go for some okonomiyaki right about now!"

"Ah, no, that's fine..."

A doctor's head popped up from between Ukyo's legs, which were parted, the feet propped up on stirrups. "Your cervix is fully dilated... now push!"

"Oh, right!" Ukyo grunted and strained, and began to push.. "Let's do this!" As she and her opponent began, the day the challenge was issued flashed back through her mind in tatters, between reels of excruciating pain.

\------------------------

"Ryoga... I... it's..."

Ukyo and Ryoga Hibiki looked joyously at the positive pregnancy test.

"I'm gonna be a daddy!" Ryoga yelled, falling to his knees and weeping loudly. Ukyo simply chuckled at her melodramatic husband and cuffed him on the shoulder.

"Good aim, honey! Apparently your sperm has a better sense of direction than the rest of you!"

Ryoga's face went bright red, but he couldn't help but laugh along with her. "I don't even care if it's a boy or a-" He stopped, and tilted his head thoughtfully. "...Actually, on second thought, a daughter would be wonderful."

"I kind of want a son, myself," Ukyo admitted. "But a daughter would be great!"

The two of them clasped hands and squealed, unashamed of the silly way they were acting.

A bell rang out front, and Ukyo kissed Ryoga on the cheek. "Sounds like I've got a customer, honey. Be right back!"

As Ukyo practically skipped behind the grill, she'd barely gotten out "Welcome to Okonomiyaki Ucchan's!" before the words died in her throat.

The customer who had entered was an unusually tall woman, with long, silky black hair, and refined features. She was wearing what looked like maternity wear, and was holding out a letter for Ukyo. It was printed on stationary that bore pictures of balloons and teddy bears.

"Ukyo Hibiki, I am Reika Fushiyuri," the woman said, handing the letter over to Ukyo. "I congratulate you on your good fortune, and wish you and your daughter good health."

Ukyo felt a wave of cold shock pass over her. Her heart sped up. "D...daughter? Do you mean... my... but how could you know that I'm pregnant? _I_ just found out! My husband just found out! We haven't even-"

"The intuition of a mother-to-be," Reika interrupted, closing her eyes and smiling slyly. "Or, that of one trained in the proper procedures, an ancient art passed down through generations of mothers in my family!"

"Procedures... what do you mean by that?"

"I have sensed," Reika continued, "that you and I shall come to birth simultaneously. You are the one destined to face me!"

"Face you in _what_?" Ukyo pressed, exasperated.

Reika whipped a fan from her sleeve, flipped it open, and waved it dramatically. "The proud and noble art of Martial Arts Childbirth!"

_She's got to be kidding me._

"Are you, perhaps, too cowardly to accept my challenge?" Reika teased.

"You wish! I don't know what the hell this Martial Arts Childbirth stuff is, but you can rest assured I'm gonna train my butt off to face you!" Ukyo shot back hotly.

"Feisty. I like it." Reika nodded approvingly. "A mother must be strong and fierce, to protect her young... and to teach them to protect themselves from the earliest of ages..." She bowed. "It is settled, then. We face on the day we give birth... the ninth day of October."

_Geez. She even knows my exact due date?_

Reika did not leave, but instead seated herself at the counter. "Now, then, with that out of the way... could I partake of a pork okonomiyaki, please? I've been craving it so badly all morning!"

Ukyo smiled. At least her challenger was going to provide business. "Coming right up!"

\------------------------

"Go!"

Ukyo and Reika both howled and began grunting and pushing, sweating profusely. Ryoga squeezed Ukyo's hand in support, then screamed when she crushed it mercilessly in the iron grip of labor.

"Remember your classes!" Reika's husband called, and Reika looked up at him gratefully.

"Th...thank you, darling-AUGH!" She narrowed her eyes and began to huff and puff rhythmically.

Ukyo's eyebrows knit in concern, knowing what her opponent was preparing for. Her months of training came rushing back into her mind like the local anesthetic coursing through her that was slowly beginning to wear off. She reached into her hospital gown and flung a volley of needles at Reika's bed. "Epidural Strike!" she cried, growling low in her throat as Reika's husband pulled the bed away, and the line of syringes lay embedded in the wall.

"Lamaze Tornado!" Reika yelled, and her measured breathing quickened. Ukyo squealed aseverything in the room started to blow and knock around dangerously - except Reika, the center of it all, breathing and counting in her head, calm as the eye of a hurricane.

Ukyo punched away a bedpan that had been flying right toward her head, and focused instead on attacking from below the waist. "Umbilical Chain!"

Ryoga saw the web of umbilical cords - why were there _so many of them_ , and why were they not attached to a baby? - shoot from his wife's gaping vagina, and he promptly passed out cold. The cords wrapped around Reika's body and lifted her into the air, while another cord wrapped around her mouth to stop the lamaze breathing attack.

"Now I've got you!" Ukyo shouted triumphantly, and she aimed her vagina up at Reika's midsection. "Martial Arts Childbirth Final Attack!"

Reika's eyes widened, then she hung her head in defeat.

"Newborn Missile!"

Ukyo grunted, let out an unholy scream, and her baby shot out of her uterus with the force of a cannon blast, splattering unmentionable fluids everywhere. Crying loudly, it struck Reika's body with a force that surprisingly left the two intact and overall healthy, laws of physics be damned.

Additionally, as Ukyo's baby dropped safely into the waiting arms of a doctor, Reika's baby barreled out of her, propelled by the force of an impact which should never have been possible or permissible in the first place. It, too, fell into a doctor's loving arms, and the two wailing newborns were cleaned off. Ukyo's mutliple umbilical cords let Reika down gently and withered away into nothing, while the cord connecting her to her newborn daughter was snipped.

"You fight a fine match, Ukyo," Reika commended her, breathing hard. "I underestimated you. I barely even managed one attack, and didn't even get to use the Placenta Buster. This makes me the first woman in my family to have never lasted long enough to utilize such a devastating attack in a match. Your name shall be honored among my household, I assure you."

Ukyo smiled, exhausted, and chuckled. "Well... it certainly was fun! And I'll bet it made my little girl stronger!"

"You're right," a nurse said, cradling the baby in her arms as another attending doctor approached with a wet cloth, to clean it off. "She's a healthy little girl!"

"Yours as well," Reika's nurse said, delivering a squirming baby boy. "He looks just like his mommy."

"And the little lady here looks just like - AHHHHHHHHHH!"

Ukyo bolted up, alert, and looked around. Ryoga, too, had sprung to his feet.

"What's wrong with my baby?" Ukyo demanded.

The doctor fumbled for words, then presented it to Ukyo.

"Oh, no!" Ukyo sighed. "Did you try cleaning her off with cold water? Oh... I guess it's genetic... "

There, wiggling and squealing in Ukyo's arms, was a newborn, black baby piglet.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm still not sure why this had to happen. I think my reasoning at the time was "They make a martial art out of every other conceivable thing in the series".


End file.
